You know, I think, honestly, if I weren't interested in the attentions of a man I wouldn't have such a shitty opinion of my body (and consequently, myself).
See, here's how it goes for a gay man. They look at you, they assess how interested they would be in seeing you naked, they reject you if you're not their "type." Friendship for the sake of friendship, though given great lip service, is rare and uncommon.
Why is this coming up now? Well, it's simple really. I've moved to city where my only outlet for socialization and sex is the Internet. Sad but true. And though I know that historically speaking I've never managed to find someone willing to "hook up with me," it is even harder to find someone to have lunch with me. Yes, the ever dangerous, insanely creepy, "Lunch." So, what would happen if I had a six pack instead of a keg? What would happen if I were Latin, had short hair, no personality, no ethics, no honesty, no integrity? I honestly believe that the values I hold that seem to be nothing more than liabilities in our culture would be reasonably overlooked if I had a body they wanted to press against.
See... some people think I'm talking mad shit about now. But I'll tell you that I know from experience how blessed life can be when people, in general, think you're hot.
Invitations for parties, sexual and otherwise, offers of drugs, money, sex, jobs, shelter, clothes, and numerous other resources are all granted at the mere suggestion or perception that they're needed. When you're fat you're lucky to have someone even acknowledge you said hello to them. God forbid hello doesn't actually mean, "I want to fuck you," to one of these people. So I am a troll. I am, "Icky."
I know how things really are. It doesn't matter that I have more talent, more compassion, more skill, more consciousness, tenderness, intellect, experience, awareness, or anything else than the meat-head. He's going to have a boyfriend, and any fuck he wants. Not on the merits of his personality or his nature, simply on the merit of his body.
But see, here's where I'm going to win anyway. I may be bitter, lonely, alone, and forgotten. But I guarantee you, those bodies will suffer the reality of time, and drugs, and abuse, sometimes disease. And that pretty body they were all ga ga over will have nasty spots from staff or KS while mine will simply be soft. My love won't kill them. But then, is what the meat-head giving them love? Probably not.
I feel hideous because I cannot even give away gratuitous sexual favors for attention. Not even on a holiday. Not for any reason. I can't even get a whore to call me back much less get one here to fulfill any kind of intimate request. I can only conclude I'm the guy that has to wear a steak necklace to get the dog to play with me. And I'm supposed to forget that I want a mate, a friend, a confidant to magically have one show up? What a joke. The only thing I want to forget is that I'm sleeping 20+ hours a day and that I'm breathing at all.
See, here's how it goes for a gay man. They look at you, they assess how interested they would be in seeing you naked, they reject you if you're not their "type." Friendship for the sake of friendship, though given great lip service, is rare and uncommon.
Why is this coming up now? Well, it's simple really. I've moved to city where my only outlet for socialization and sex is the Internet. Sad but true. And though I know that historically speaking I've never managed to find someone willing to "hook up with me," it is even harder to find someone to have lunch with me. Yes, the ever dangerous, insanely creepy, "Lunch." So, what would happen if I had a six pack instead of a keg? What would happen if I were Latin, had short hair, no personality, no ethics, no honesty, no integrity? I honestly believe that the values I hold that seem to be nothing more than liabilities in our culture would be reasonably overlooked if I had a body they wanted to press against.
See... some people think I'm talking mad shit about now. But I'll tell you that I know from experience how blessed life can be when people, in general, think you're hot.
Invitations for parties, sexual and otherwise, offers of drugs, money, sex, jobs, shelter, clothes, and numerous other resources are all granted at the mere suggestion or perception that they're needed. When you're fat you're lucky to have someone even acknowledge you said hello to them. God forbid hello doesn't actually mean, "I want to fuck you," to one of these people. So I am a troll. I am, "Icky."
I know how things really are. It doesn't matter that I have more talent, more compassion, more skill, more consciousness, tenderness, intellect, experience, awareness, or anything else than the meat-head. He's going to have a boyfriend, and any fuck he wants. Not on the merits of his personality or his nature, simply on the merit of his body.
But see, here's where I'm going to win anyway. I may be bitter, lonely, alone, and forgotten. But I guarantee you, those bodies will suffer the reality of time, and drugs, and abuse, sometimes disease. And that pretty body they were all ga ga over will have nasty spots from staff or KS while mine will simply be soft. My love won't kill them. But then, is what the meat-head giving them love? Probably not.
I feel hideous because I cannot even give away gratuitous sexual favors for attention. Not even on a holiday. Not for any reason. I can't even get a whore to call me back much less get one here to fulfill any kind of intimate request. I can only conclude I'm the guy that has to wear a steak necklace to get the dog to play with me. And I'm supposed to forget that I want a mate, a friend, a confidant to magically have one show up? What a joke. The only thing I want to forget is that I'm sleeping 20+ hours a day and that I'm breathing at all.
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Re: Being Gay and Not Perfect
Sat, December 16, 2006 - 11:03 PMI had some shit in my past, but I've been wondering...
Does my BDD have anything to do with my sexuality?
I wonder if I would be as harsh with myself if I wasn't attracted to men. I'm asking myself if my preoccupation with wanting to be attractive is because I am able to see the difference between myself and who I am attracted to.
I don't mean to say that I believe it has caused my BDD, but I think its a contributor.
I agree with you that internet hook-up sites and CL and shit don't reflect a lot of tolerance for those outside of visual culture's prescription. I know there are those out there that are kind and not on the lookout for cooker-cutter studs, but I also think male sexuality is based somewhat upon objectification. Men seem to be looking for what is visually stimulating (I often am anyway), and combined with self-consciousness, I think there is a big potential for at least two problems: 1. some men will place too high of an importance on appearance and suffer if they can't be what they want to, and 2. some men will do the same and criticize other men and refuse anything but a hottie in order to feel as though they themselves are hot enough to get hotties.
I came out when I was 12. I haven't had much to do with visual gay culture since I was about 15. I didn't want to be subject to discrimination (by other queers) and I also avoided boys who were gay because if there was a chance they might be attracted to me, I'd be devastated if they weren't. Blah Blah Blah... regardless... there are those of us who aren't totally fucked. I might not be attracted to you, but at least, as a gay male, I have the ability to accept and know people who don't fit the illusory gay cookie-cutter.
Some of us are out there, but you won't likely find us in the places where the others hang out.
I bet if I keep visiting hook-up sites to look for hot guys, I'll keep not meeting people who I feel comfortable around. I never contact anyone I'm attracted to for worry that they won't like me... otherwise I do contact them and then flake. *shrugs* Man, if any of those bastards knew what torment was really driving me not to actually hook up with them, there wouldn't be all this hoopla on CL and where else about flakes.
Someone should do a study to find out how many gay men visiting internet cruise sites flake habitually because of BDD. That would be interesting. Maybe I'm the only one, but it seems like the perfect place to go searching for evidence of your fears, and opportunities to not feel confident enough. Is that world really reflective of anything truthful? How could it be?
I think that if I wasn't so worried about how I looked, I would probably find activities that interest me and try to find activity partners so that I was meeting people based upon real substance rather than the skin-deep. Perhaps some day I'll have enough confidence as a person to let go of how I might appear. I hope it is possible for me.
